I take full responsibility for doing the things I'm not going to tell you about.

I want you to know that I accept complete responsibility for my actions. I knew better and I did not live up to the expectations I place on myself. My school has decided to suspend me for (insert nebulous idea that doesn't elucidate, but makes things sound about as bad as jaywalking, e.g. "poor academic judgment"). I'm going to do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust of everyone around me, so I can get back to being the most privileged person on campus.
So goes the statement of currently-former Notre Dame Quarterback, Everett Golson.
From the statement, I can only guess that he showed up late for a test, forgot to cite a source in one of his academic papers, added when he should have subtracted, or threw a paper airplane in class. Those are poor academic judgments. I'm just glad he's taking full responsibility, even though he isn't owning up to what he did, which means he isn't taking full responsibility. I'm sure I just missed the part where he takes full responsibility by doing more than just saying so.
Meanwhile, SEC schools are licking their chops. Integrity - Schmintegrity. We don't care if we have to pay you to play, if you sexually assault women, or if you steal.
We're going to give you a simple test to see if you can play quarterback: You get three chances to spell S-E-C. We'll even let you use your iPhone for help. If you and Siri can come up with the answer, congratulations, you're a starting quarterback for the best conference in all College Football!
So don't you worry about coming up with fancy statements to explain your misdeeds, Everett. Come down South where the coaches can teach you how to be a real man.